MySpace Friend of the Day: Christians With Depression

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=118228971&MyToken=a456eab0-8cde-488a-adac-e2b1ca61da8b

My name is Melissa, I am 26 years old, have been married for almost 8 years, and am an artist/decorator. What most people don't know is that I suffer from type II Manic Depression, and anxiety disorder (for me all that means is that I am depressed a lot more than I am manic). I have attempted to take my life twice in the past two years, experimented with different kinds of self-injury as a teenager, and still struggle with thoughts and tendencies of self harm.

All that being said, I am a Christian, I love the Lord with all my heart. I have been a believer for over 6 years now, and in the beginning of my walk with the Lord his love was all that consumed me... all I wanted was to serve Him with every moment, and please Him with my heart and my life. Then something changed, a lot changed, and I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

At times my faith has been used by Satan to confuse me more, my weaknesses have often caused me to feel like I'm putting Christ on that cross all over again, day after day, and I have felt completely helpless.

I became victim of an illness, and of a type of human frailty that is too easily judged by others. No one understood what I was going through, not even me. I felt abandoned and alone. I tried talking about it to my pastor and other spiritual mentors but none were able to offer any relief. There were a few who attempted to "help" by either trying to cast out demons or by suggesting that all I needed to do was "Ask the Lord to deliver me...", "Repent of my sins.", and "Trust in the Lord." Their intentions were noble, but as a sincere believer... lets just say that their suggestions were less than welcomed, after months of tormenting myself with those very things .

Depression creeps on slowly with most people, and mine was no different. It first noticeably showed up while I was on a mission trip in Venezuela with my husband. I was at the peak of my spiritual walk, daily attempting to learn what it was to surrender myself completely to God. Of coarse, at the time we believed it was spiritual warfare, and treated it as such until it became evident that something else was going on... Ironically, it is only now, three painful years later that I can honestly say that I think I am finally starting to get the whole surrender thing. This illness changed my life in so many ways. I became alienated from my loved ones and church family. My marriage was almost completely destroyed, most of my Christian friends vanished instantly, and I had no contact at all with my already estranged family. I could not work, or interact with people on a social level at all without becoming hysterical and even more isolated. I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with was the fact that I asked everyone around me for help through fellowship, and I did not get it. I was left alone everyday, every moment, with the bitter reality of what a hopeless mess and failure I was, and of how I was undeserving of others concern. I hated myself, and could see nothing worth preserving. All I wanted to was to be in the arms of my savior... and rest in knowing that I could not do any more damage, or be a burden to anyone else.

Though I could not sense or "feel" God in my despair, I know now that he truly held me in his arms and protected me from my own intentions in that time of complete darkness, as a father protects his child. I had no relationship with my real father at all, my husbands father was in denial that anything was even wrong with me, and my spiritual father/mentor had all but completely abandoned me. I absolutely cherish the complexing moment of despair and joy as I realized that the only father I had or needed was God himself. I pray you all have such an awakening.

♥ "Blessed be the Lord,who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation." Psalm 68:19 ♥