I found this gut-renching essay on The Adovcate.com written by a young man named Kyle Rice in Washington State. Kyle is fighting a battle in his heart and soul that he appears to be losing. For example:
"I focus on fighting efforts to force the "gay agenda" on those of us who know God does not accept homosexuality. Although I do not condone discrimination, I also do not support gay marriage laws or many of the other issues backed by gay rights groups. I am a proud conservative Republican, and I support political candidates who feel the same way I do."
Kyle is so indoctrinated by the religious right's message of condemnation that he supports legislation that restricts his own rights. He's also deep into self-loathing, writing:
"I know God would not approve of me acting on my gay feelings, and I have no right to question his directive. I know that in the end I will be happy I lived my life according to God’s standards the best that I could. That means refusing to accept being gay."
People like Kyle are one of the primary groups my church and this blog are trying to reach out to. It appears he has never been taught that he doesn't have to choose between being a Christian or accepting himself for who he is because God accepts him.
Sadly, I very strongly believe that he is mistaken in his belief that he can deny who he really is and still live a happy life. He and many others like him have allowed Satan to speak to him through those who don't understand or intentionally misrepresent God's word and prevent him from experiencing the fullness of life as a gay Christian.
I hope you will join me in praying that Kyle Rice can soon accept himself for who he is and discover the life that God has planned for him.
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Kyle sounds so much like where I used to be, during a time that feels like a lifetime ago. But I just kept getting more deeply depressed, obsessing all the time on my 'weakness', my 'un-natural' attractions to other men. It was only after I learned how to see my orientation as part of who I am, and to accept it, and God's love for me as I am, was I finally able to feel God's touch in my life. I deeply pray that Kyle finds his way out of that deep morass.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteWhy do those against gays keep making that comparison? Pedophilia hurts others. Homosexuality, as an orientation, does not. It is those who force gays and lesbians to 'change' (even though the orientation itself never changes, only the outside behaviour) who go against Christ.
ReplyDelete'Morass' because I ran out of words to describe how it felt back then, while pretending to be straight.
I meet so many Kyles all over the world, even in seemingly progressive places like Denmark and Sweden (where I am this week).
ReplyDeleteHeterosexism rots away the insides of gay men who desire straight acting masculine men and lesbians who believe that there is something shameful about their "lifestyle" that has to be hidden from the people they love most.
The pedophelia argument is incredibly weak, and its amazing to me that a comparison continues to be drawn. Alex is right. Pedophelia hurts people, while a homosexual orientation does not. Sin is an obstacle that comes between the sinner and God. A committed gay relationship that is God-centered, brings both partners closer to God.
ReplyDeleteIn Kyle's case, it sounds like fear is the thing coming between God and self. Fear and self-loathing are the sins.
I am another Kyle. Perhaps I'm just a few steps farther toward accepting myself, but the confusion and religiousity and pain Kyle shares are all too real to me. If prayer is a part of your life, pray for me too.
ReplyDeleteJourneyman,
ReplyDeleteYou will be prayed for by me and my wife and I sure others who read this blog. I strongly encourage you to read the series on the Bible and homosexuality that the blog "Skipping to the Piccolo" is currently doing--I linked to it a few days ago. I think that would show you a path past the pain and hopefully start some healing in your heart.
Anonymous,
You've had your say and you've reached your limit here. Either take your thoughts in a different direction or I'll start deleting your comments.
At the risk of repeating myself, I have very little respect for someone who comes over here preaching "the truth" who doesn't have the courage or strength of conviction to even post their name. If you're that sure of it, you can certainly put your name to it. I do.
ReplyDeleteJim, thanks for your prayers. Thanks for just being out here, as a companion on this journey of mine. And thanks for creating a safe space for me and people like me. I'll check out the blog you suggested.
ReplyDeleteHayden, you are an inspiration. I could not possibly be more happy for you. I wonder most times if I will ever experience the happiness you have. How I long for a partner, or children to raise with my partner. It seems so far away from me now. At risk of promoting my own blog, feel free to stop in and read a bit. It's gritty; but it's me.
You revealed something tremendous to me, that I don't have to believe the lies of the gay community. I guess I feel like I need to be myself, which means NOT being much of the gay stereotype. That is the journey on which I have set out. It is grueling; I am scared. Thanks for your encouragement.
Ah, I think so many of us used to be where Kyle Rice is now... Some churches insist that to be gay you have to be evil, promiscuous, selfish... It's sad, that so many are still convinced that God hates them for being themselves.
ReplyDeleteWell, I pray that he makes a choice that is good for him and that he comes to understand that there are GLBT who are proud to be who they are and should have equal rights and protection under the law - whether or not he acts on his homosexual feelings.
ReplyDeleteI am sympathetic to Kyle's struggle. I am a bisexual Christian, and I've also chosen not to act on my homosexual inclinations, because of how I understand God's word.
ReplyDeleteI do think that Kyle's formulations are unhealthy. I think one can accept the traditional religious stances on homosexual behavior without hating one's self. The Catholic group Courage is an example of a more mature way.
Thank you for your caring about me even though you disagree with me.
ReplyDeleteI do want to say though that Im not unhappy. I am actually very happy to be doing what I personally view as what God wants.
I also understand that chances are, I will be gay the rest of my life, and that means I will not have a "normal" life where I have a wife/partner/etc. I do not look foreword to this fact but I also have no right to be angry at God for it because he has done more for me than I ever deserve.
Put aside what the world tells you. Jesus was concerned with the heart and your relationship to God first and foremost. Justification begins and ends with Him. Consider removing from your perspective political agendas, science, family, and the media. As Jesus said, you have to hate the world and everything in it when you go to consult Him. I am a married man who struggles with lustful thoughts towards women other than my beatiful wife much of the time. I notice other attractive women and sometimes have lustful thoughts about them. Is this sexual immorality? According to God's word, absolutley! Am I any different than a man who looks at another man with lustful thoughts? Can I try to justify it with this and that...yes, but to what end. Before I was born again, I found ways to try to justify my thoughts and actions. I still fall short at times and instead of letting it beat me up and feeling guilty I admit to God that I am weak in this area and that I need his help and his forgiveness(the same way a parent-child relationship should be). This builds relationship with God. He already knows I am not perfect! He is slow to anger and quick to forgive. He wants us to come to him with a broken heart. If I am humble and believe the Bible is the living work and word of God, then what I want is irrelevant. God is God and I am not. It has nothing to with anything anyone else says. The people who claim to be Christians should know the Bible and how clear it is about sin. That being said, it is a living Bible and therefore God intended it to be personal and interactive to each human being he created. Start with surrender of all preconceived ideas and notions. Truly surrender your will to Jesus and take up your cross as He asks you to. The sooner we learn that this life is temporary, and life with Jesus is eternal, the sooner we won't focus on other people's "problems" and how we can fix them. If you focus on Jesus, your sin is diminished. Try reading "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. A great read that can help you understand what you are really up against no matter what sin you struggle against. If you truly want to know what God has to say to you on this subject, spend time in His word, pray and seek His counsel, and above all trust the Holy Spirit to reveal truth to you. After all, the Holy Spirit is the one Jesus referred to as "The Helper". Use "The Helper". The healthy don't need a healer; He came to heal the sick. For my sake, I take a lot of comfort in that because I am far from well! He promises to perfect us on the day of Christ Jesus return.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless You and keep seeking Him. I know I will.
Jesse
Oops...should have been "beautiful" and "absolutely"
ReplyDelete"I believe the more you love a man - the more you give your trust; the more you're bound to lose." Noel Coward
ReplyDeleteI think the above line also applies to gay men.
I too am in the same spot that kyle is in. I am in a christian school and was raised in a christian home. I am SO ashamed of my unatural affection for other men and I can't seem to change it.
ReplyDeleteI have tried so hard.... I know that my Lord and Savior loves me. but if I love him. I have to change my behvior, even if its not what i feel. thank you for this web page
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ReplyDeleteI am a bisexual agnostic. I personally believe that sexual orietation is not an afront to God. I was plagued my whole life by issues (unfounded) of self esteem having nothing to do with my sexual feelings, but rather appearance and itelligence. One year ago I was seduced by a man who made me realize that I had something to offer others. Even though now I can see that he used me, I thought I would explore the homosexual side of "dating". I had never in the past done this. My experience with women was often unsatifying, but my experience with gay men was even more so. I hate that I had this encounter, but I do not hate myself (at least not yet). I wonder why it is that gay men are usually clearly discernable from straight men and just exactly what it is they wish to accomplish by pushing their gay political agenda. Funny thing is, that one night last summer I had an opportunity to "make out" as it were, with a women I met at a gay bar. It could have been far more rewarding, except for that fact that we were pretty different and she was from out of town. I am now preparing to subdue my gay side, at least where it pertains to actual physical encounters, because all that I encountered was unpleasant and unappealing.
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand Kyle's feelings. I went to a monastery to try to rein in my gay feelings, believing God would recognize my desire to be free from this curse and then heal me. That was 26 years ago. Although I am comfortable with my sexuality and have made peace with God, I still wish I was not gay. There are times I feel so disconnected from the mainstream, that all I really want is to fit in. It is not being gay that I dislike, but it is being forced into a community where materialism and "good looks" so permeate the stratas of the community that there are very few healthy good men to choose from. And if you are not in the good looks camp all the worse for you. Finding men with similar values about faith etc...is terribly difficult and thus I can understand 26 yrs later, and being out and more than ok with being gay, I still do not like it's culture.
ReplyDelete