Take care of your own speck

As I am reading through the book of Matthew again, I have been reminded of several important principles Jesus spoke of in his ministry that I feel are very applicable to the mission of this blog.

In Chapter 7, during his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus spoke passionately about people being careful not to judge one another. Beginning in verse 3 (NIV), he said "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Jesus wasn't being very subtle with this particular message, was he? It was about as subtle as getting hit with a 2 x 4 plank. It is very clear that He expects us to look inside ourselves first before we move forward with saving humanity.

Going around and telling others where they come up short is easy, isn't it? There are certainly no shortage of people willing to do so, that's for sure. Closely examining that face staring back at us in the mirror in the morning, now that's tough.

Jesus is the only person who has ever walked the earth with the moral authority to pass judgement on anyone. If someone in our lives is judging us because of our religious affiliation or sexual orientation, there's a good chance that they have their own issues to resolve with God.

My experience has taught me that the ones yelling the loudest about the spec they see in our eyes are often the people with the biggest planks in theirs.

One Person Learns to Unlearn

On his blog "Two World Collision", Eric talks about his struggle to unlearn the teaching and condemnation of his church becuase he is gay. He is now actively embracing both his christianity and homosexuality, an act many fundamentalists preach is a contradiciton.

The point I like the most that Eric writes about is the individual relationship he is developing with God. Eric is discerning Gods word through his own mind and heart, not that of a religious leader. Ultimately, that is what we all need to do.

Exposing ourselves to heatlhy portions of teaching and preaching is most beneficial when we take those lessons or thoughts or beliefs into our own prayer time and discern what they mean to ourselves as an indivdual person.

It matters only what God wants in your life, not what a preacher wants you to be. Hopefully we can all find a church where the messages match up and are not in conflict.

Choices

When I woke up this morning, I made a number of choices. I decided to get up early and check e-mail. I chose to feed the cat and play with him. I stopped for breakfast on my way to work. I made those and numerous other decisions before the sun was fully over the horizon today.

I did not decide that today I would be a heterosexual. In fact, I've never made that choice. Even before puberty descended upon me, I was attracted to cute girls, and that has never changed. It just came naturally.

I was fortunate that, with the occasional objection of an object of my desire, this "lifestyle" was not condemned by anyone. I've never heard a preacher tell me I was a sinner because I was a practicing heterosexual, and I've yet to endure a politician drone on about legislation that would deny me the right to marry someone of the opposite sex. As a result, I've never struggled with my sexuality--nobody every told me my natural desires were wrong, and I've always felt free and unencumbered to express and explore them.

If I had grown up in a home where I was raised by two gay men or two lesbians who railed against heterosexual relationships and told me how dirty and sinful they were, I very well could have run into some serious issues. Low self esteem and sexual confusion would have been among the likely possibilities.

If religious leaders had condemned my desires for women, I probably would have pulled away from God, not feeling myself worthy of his love because of what a dirty, rotten sinner I was at heart. I may have even felt no other choice but to find a nice man to settle down with if I wanted love and companionship within socially accepted parameters.

If I had "come out" as a heterosexual, then renounced it so I could marry someone my church and state found was of an acceptable gender, I would be a "cured" or "delivered" heterosexual, even if the desires were still burning inside me.

If, like me, you are a practicing heterosexual, try to imagine this having happened to you. Pretty horrible picture, isn't it? Then why do so many of our churches and politicians insist on putting gay and lesbian people through this type of living hell? What good can come of a person denying who he or she is and allow themselves to be reformed according to someone else's idea of who they should be? Why do so many people allow themselves to be swayed by statements and beliefs rooted in ignorance?

Fortunately, we can trust God to sort it out in the end.

The KKK and "Christian Family Values"

A while back I wrote about how branches of the KKK are entering into anti-gay activism, and here is another example. On Saturday, November 5, the KKK will hold a rally in Austin, Texas to get voters to vote against gay marriage. The kicker to this story is this quote from the e-mail they sent to ask permission to stage this rally; "We just want to come and encourage people to vote for Christian Family Values."

It is not reported what, if any, group has recruited the KKK to "help out" with their special type of rally. As a Christian, I would instantly lose respect for any religious organization/church that is involved in this campaign that does not clearly and loudly disavow themselves from the KKK. Rational christians can disagree on this issue, but anyone who welcome the KKK to their side of a debate is no longer able to claim that ground.

What Are They Afraid Of?

I saw a story regarding one high school's activity during the recent "Coming Out Week." The Gay-Straight Alliance at Pikesville High School, in my home state of Maryland, encouraged straight students to wear pink in support of their gay classmates. Some parents were up in arms about this and protested at the school, making this newsworthy.

The report, which I found on the Christian Broadcasting Network's web site (Pat Robertson's organization), refers to this action as "supporting the homosexual agenda." Honestly, every time I see this phrase used I'm afraid blood vessels in my brain will burst!

What exactly is the gay agenda? To have the same rights as their straight counterparts? To have the same opportunities to express their love for their partners that straight people do? To not be discriminated against in the job market and workplace because of their sexual orientation? To not be ostracized or the subject of hatred by the body of Christ?

That would make "the homosexual agenda" the desire of gays and lesbians to be treated with the same respect and have the same rights as a straight person. These are not "special rights" as some antagonists like to call them. These are guarantees the LGBT community need to protect their rights as an American citizen, the very rights this nation was founded upon.

Sounds pretty reasonable to me. As great as this country is in many ways, however, it has a long history of holding down minority groups, who emerge from that only after a long, hard struggle. It seems like one of the favorite targets in today's society are gays, primarily because they have the nerve to be different and because a lot of straight people have no understanding about what makes them tick.

So what are people afraid of? In this case, what they don't undestand. Unfortunately, too many people find it easier to discriminate against the LGBT community instead of educating themselves. It's okay to come in contact with them, folks, you won't catch it.

Listen

That seems to be a lost art in our society, listening. People are often too busy trying to convince someone that their point of view is right that we don't make any effort to consider what the other person or people are saying.

This also applies to prayer. It is easy, especially if we lead a very busy life, to talk to God (isn't that the essence of prayer?) and get on with the next task on our long list of things to do. We often don't take time to be still and give Him a chance to respond.

I had a great experience doing just that last night. The leadership of our church met at our new facility, still strewn with construction debris, lights dangling from the unfinished ceiling, and no functioning toilets. After opening with corporate prayer, Apostle Dale was led to direct each of us to pray about a specific area of our church's ministry. We then came back together and shared what God has told us regarding those prayers. It was some truly exciting stuff!

I'm still new at some of this, and I felt the Lord touch me in a way that I could not remember happening before. As I talked with Him about what we needed to reach the lost (the area I had been asked to cover with my prayer), I stopped several times and soaked in whatever the Holy Spirit would send me.

I stood there by myself in the shell of our upstairs office area with only the light from the parking lot providing any illumination. What I saw, though, was Apostle Dale's office, very tastefully appointed, with him sitting there providing guidance and leadership as per his Apostolic calling. I saw myself and others leading small groups in the meeting room, teaching and reaching out to people, helping them open their hearts and minds to be filled with the Spirit.
I've never heard "The Voice of God," but I never felt his presence more than I did last night. He showed me part of his plans for how he would answer my prayers and gave me not only encouragement to stay the course but also emboldened me to give even more of myself to His ministry.

I listened and I received answers. If you are praying without ceasing, you may need to stop long enough to give God time enough to answer them. Praying is a form of communication, and any type of communication is only effective if it is two-way.

The Bible is Not a Play By Play Report

If you gather a group of people together to watch a football game or a movie and ask them to write a summary, it is very unlikely that you will see two write-ups that are the same. Even though there is only one set of facts, it is human nature to filter events through our own set of values and perspective.

In summarizing the game, some would talk about the defense, others would focus on the offense. While reviewing the movie, there are those who would write about the cinematography and others that would give their views on the story line.

It is important to remember that, although the words in the Bible were inspired by God, they were written by human beings. Recently, the Catholic Church published a teaching document including instructions that some parts of the Bible are not literally true.

A key quote from the document, as reported by the London Times, states "We should not expect to find in Scripture full scientific accuracy or complete historical precision."

To put this in some perspective, admittedly mine, there are some fundamentalits that will practically fight to the death to defend the idea that Creation actually occurred in six calendar days, ignoring the wealth of scientific evidence to the contrary. Are details like that really important? Not if you're reading the Bible to seek God's will for your life instead of using it like a textbook.

God's word will not lead you to him like a set of directions to put together a bookcase. You know, insert screw A into slot B. It doesn't work like that. There are fundamentalists who swear by their literal interpretation, in my opinion, because it's easy and they don't have to open their hearts and minds.

There are people with whom I have interacted regarding the editorial content of this site who quote scriptures to point out how I am misguided and how homosexuals are sinners. When I come back with the fact that I have seen gay men and lesbian women who have been blessed with the gift of the Holy Spirit, they have no answer for that. It gets them out of their comfort zone where they answer everything by quoting scripture.

Don't get me wrong, the Bible is of course the most important book ever written. It contains wisdom well beyond what we as mere humans can understand and the writers could communicate in its full meaning. The Bible as I have come to understand it is a tool that teaches us important concepts about how to live our lives and be more like Jesus. It also teaches us how to grow closer to Him. When we do that, he fills us with the Holy Spirit and it is that Spirit which guides us through our lives.

The rest is just details which, if we are not careful, can take us AWAY from the Lord, particularly if people professing to be christians fight over them.

Equipping the Church to Evangelize and Disciple the Homosexual

That is the mission statement of an organization called "Cross Ministry," founded by an evangelist named Tim Wilkins. He tells a harrowing story of his childhood and a terrible home situation and details how his anger at his father led him to reject masculinity and embrace homosexuality.

After graduating from seminary, Wilkins talks about how he stayed celibate for years and was finally led to met a woman who he later married and now lives a happily heterosexual lifestyle. God bless him for opening himself up to the healing power of the Lord and emerging through the pain and heartbreak of his youth.

Now Wilkins, through his ministry, wants to deliver ALL homosexuals from their lifestyle, believing it is sinful back even when he was leading it himself. He means well.

What is they say about good intentions? Could Wilkins have mistaken deep psychological scaring as a young man for TRUE same-sex attraction, not being born with but developing it out of rebellion or escape or whatever his damaged psyche was processing? Could be, and there can be little doubt there are people out there with similar experiences that Cross Ministry could be of great benefit to.

There are many others, however, who are attracted to people of the same gender not because of psychological trauma but natural instincts. Cross Ministry is merely one of a growing number of "Ex-Gay" organizations that are trying to "free people from their homosexual desires." In other words, these ministries are determined to make a gay or lesbian person into someone who can totally subjicate their natural desires and follow the path that the ministry believes God wants them to. The blog "Ex-Gay Watch" covers this issues in great depth and is an excellent resource if you care to read more about this issue.

In one of the recent postings on the ministry's website, Wilkins writes about the arguement that Jesus did not directly address homosexuality, therefore he cannot be considered to have condenmed it. He correctly points out that, of course, not every word Jesus said was recorded, so maybe he did actually get around to speaking out about that lifestyle and those words just didn't make the cut in the Bible. That could very well be true, but Wilkins neglects the fact that Scriptures are inspired by the Holy Spirit, so if Jesus did speak about homosexuality, God determined it was not significant enough to include in the Bible. I'm content to trust God's judgement on that one.

Wilkins also says that, since Jesus spoke out about "child molestation, domestic abuse, or rape," then certainly he would have condemned homosexuality. Do people who make statements like this ever go back and realize how misguided they are? There is an enormous diference between the sins he lists and homosexuality--the sins are where someone forces their will upon another person. Homosexual acts are between two consenting adults, and I have seen monogomous, loving same-sex relationships flourish with God's blessings within our church.

I hope God will bless organizations like Cross Ministry as they reach people who are confused about their sexual identity and lead them to seek the Lord's guidance to resolve that question. For individuals who find out they are gay or lesbian, I pray that they are delivered from an "Ex-Gay" ministry without any lasting psychological damage.

October 11, 2004

A day can come along without warning that suddenly changes the course of our lives. October 11, 2004 was mine--the day my beloved wife Bette (pronounced Betty) left this world and our home in Maryland and was taken up to heaven.

As with most life changing events, this came as a complete surprise. Bette had struggled with her health and been in constant pain for several years. She had been feeling better in recent days, though, and she was excited about our plans to move into a new home at the end of October. The main limitation Bette still faced was her stamina—she got tired and out of breath very easily.

She had a flare up on October 10 and needed to take some of her pain medication. This resulted in Bette sleeping most of the day while I watched football. She enjoyed the first half of that evening’s Redskins-Ravens game with me before heading to bed. I stayed up to watch our favorite team, the Ravens, win before I retired for the night.

When I climbed into bed, Bette asked, "Did we win?" I answered, "Yep, we sure did." "Good," she said, "I love you" and then rolled back over. I responded, "I love you too baby girl. Good night." Bette was in a very sound sleep when I left for work that morning, not unusual since our body clocks were different and she was physically unable to work. I kissed her goodbye and headed out to begin my commute.

I felt very good about life that morning. The prior few months had been the best of our marriage. We had endured some very stressful times in recent years, but most of that was behind us. We were able to enjoy some excellent quality time with each other and looked forward to many more years of the same.

Bette never woke up, passing away sometime during the afternoon of October 11. Her heart, under such strain because of her physical problems, finally gave out. When I found her body that afternoon, she was snuggled up in a very comfortable position. She obviously felt no pain and drifted off to heaven very peacefully. She had passed from this existence more excited and hopeful about the future than she had ever been. We should all be so fortunate. Bette did not have to endure those hopes and dreams being dashed because of yet more physical limitations brought on by a weak, tired heart.

Every couple likes to tell you that they share a love like no other, but we actually did. Nothing was more important to me than my Bette, and nothing came ahead of her Jimmy. Everything was better when we were together and nothing was quite as good when we were apart. We never needed a "break" from each other. During our final spring and summer together, our favorite activity was simply holding each other and savoring the amazing level of intimacy we shared.

I learned so much about what it means to be a man, a partner, a husband, and a lover from Bette. She never fully realized the depth of her wisdom. Bette knew when to give me a hug and when to apply a swift kick in my pants. She taught me how to take responsibility for my life and not to hide behind blaming others for my shortcomings. Bette was one of the strongest people I have ever known. She gave me the strength to try new things, most of all writing.

Bette believed in my writing long before I ever did. We sat in a department store cafeteria one night talking, and she kept prodding me with the question "What do you really want to do?" When I finally answered writing, she nodded, having already known that herself. She knew me so much better than I knew myself.

As I began the sportswriting part of my career, she was my editor. As Bette read more about basketball and football, she learned about the games and grew to enjoy watching them with me. Two of the highlights of our time together were sharing the Ravens’ Super Bowl victory and especially The University of Maryland’s NCAA basketball championship.

Most of all, Bette taught me unconditional love. I had never received that from anyone. My mother loved me tremendously, but always pointed out how I had to "earn" that in her eyes or else she would withhold it. Bette taught me how to receive love unconditionally, and it became very easy for me to love her in that manner.

I could never have asked for a partner more devoted or that could love me more completely. Now, twelve years to the day after I met her, she was gone and I felt very much alone.

I have learned a lot about myself and about life in general in the last year, and the first enlightenment I received was that I was far from alone. My best friend Robin showed up at my apartment later that evening and stayed until well past midnight. Bette’s family in Illinois was extremely supportive and did most of the work setting up her memorial service out there.

My friend Brian joined Robin at my place the next evening, both of them putting aside very hectic schedules to do so. My brother Michael and brother-in-law Mike drove down from Rochester, New York, and stayed with me until I left for Illinois, then made the trip out and back with me. My coworkers at BAE Systems were extremely supportive. I was NOT alone, and I learned to take advantage of the offers people made to help me, something I had never been good at before. I had always viewed that as a sign of weakness, but I now felt very weak.

God gave me the right words to say at the memorial service the following Saturday, held at the gravesite of Bette’s parents she had missed so much. The outpouring of love from her friends and family in Illinois would have touched her deeply, as it touched me. Many tears were shed that day, especially by me. Bette had taught me long ago I could cry and still be a strong man. I even saw Robin, who flew out from Maryland for the service, shed a tear for the first time in the 34 years I had known him.

Much to my surprise, the sun came up on October 12 and has every day since then. There is a certain liberation I felt after realizing the worst thing that could possibly happen to me occurred; yet I was still standing. There has been a lot of pain over the last year, but I continue to have plenty of help dealing with and moving beyond it.

My friends and family (including those in Illinois) and my grief therapist Tom Golden have been invaluable in leading me forward in my life, as has my church family at Believers’ Covenant Fellowship. Apostle Dale Jarrett has quickly become a wonderful source of spiritual wisdom and a trusted friend. Then there is Brenda, who I will write about in a few weeks. I will just say for now she is amazing, an angel God provided to lead me into this next phase of my life and help make it the best yet.

I write this today, on the first anniversary of Bette’s passing, to thank those who have stepped up over the last year, and to have a written record of what a wonderful, loving, and giving person Bette was. She accomplished many things as a social worker and activist in Illinois during the 1980’s and helped many people improve the quality of their lives. As I have detailed above, though, the person she had the most positive lasting impact on was myself. Anything I may accomplish going forward will be partially due to her influence on my life.

I wish I could build a memorial to Bette or name a building or a charitable organization after her so there would be some tangible lasting evidence on earth of who she was and what she did with her life. At this time, however, all I have are these words to share with you. I hope they have succeeded in shedding some light on the truly wonderful loving, giving woman Elizabeth Marie Johnson (Steward) was.

The twelve years Bette and I had together did not seem like nearly enough time, and there were a lot of things we never got around to doing. Rather than feel regret for what was left undone, I rejoice in the love and time we did share. Less than three weeks before she passed away, Bette wrote me a note that included this quote: "I will cherish all the memories we have made for all eternity." Likewise, my darling.

I thank God for those twelve years and for the opportunities that lay ahead.

I thank you for taking the time to read this and learn about my beloved Bette.